Why do I torture myself?

    I have decided to start running. I thought I was doing an ok job until yesterdays run. I had set some goals for myself, not for speed or distance, but more for how I run and a few other things. I felt so great yesterday, I was so excited for my run, and then I started and it STUNK! I don't know what happened, but I completely crashed and burned and met none of the goals that I was working on. I got home so mad at myself and so frustrated. Even though my speed was better, that didn't matter to me. I was just so irked that I didn't make my goals.
   I decided to have a long conversation with myself as to why I am running. Why am I torturing myself? And I discovered the answer is pretty complicated, but to me it's so simple.
   The first question I asked myself is..Do I like to run? And the answer is a resounding, absolute heck NO!!! I hate it. I hate everything about it, so why on heavens name am I doing it!
   As I thought more on this, I realized some important reasons as to why I made the impulsive decision in the first place.
   Neil has been running for about 4 months now and I have seen how it has helped him mentally, physically, and spiritually. I wanted that also.
   I am 39 years old and completely out of shape. I wanted to do something that would help get me in shape. And running will do that. Now do I want to look like the Victoria Secrets models? I won't lie...Yes. But, I know that is not a realistic goal without some serious surgery on my part and that ain't happening. However, I can run and be in shape. Which will in turn help me to be healthy and happy.
One of my favorite movies is "Legally Blond" and I love the line in which Elle says "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy..." And that's true, I want to be happy and I know that running will help me do that. So, those are good reasons, but were they good enough?
   I also realized that I'm doing this for my family. I want to be around for a while, and I'd like to be healthy while I'm here. If running will help me be around a bit longer, then I have achieved that goal.
   I want to show my kids what happens when you make a difficult goal and stick with it. For me this is not an easy goal. As stated before I like nothing about running and it takes everything I have to just get dressed and out the door. I want my kids to see that Mom set this goal for herself and that she didn't give up. The she had the strengthen of character to see it through and to be a better person for it. That means a lot to me. And if I can show, and teach, my kids something while I'm running then it's worth it.
   After all this, I decided that maybe it is worth it after all. A part of me still had doubts about it, but I figured that comes with the territory and so I just left it alone for a while. And that's when it hit me why I really wanted to do this. I want to prove to myself that I can do this, that I'm not a quitter. I want to satisfaction of being able to say that I finished a run no matter how much it hurt, how much I hate it, and all the other stuff that I feel while doing it. Those reasons are exactly why I am doing this. All the other ones a great, but to me this is the most important.
   Will I ever run a 1/2 marathon or marathon? I highly doubt it, but I never know. What I do know is that even though I felt like quitting yesterday and never running for as long as I live, I will not do that. Because doing that makes me a quitter and I will not quit! I will continue to torture myself until I reach and surpass my goals!