Why do I torture myself?

    I have decided to start running. I thought I was doing an ok job until yesterdays run. I had set some goals for myself, not for speed or distance, but more for how I run and a few other things. I felt so great yesterday, I was so excited for my run, and then I started and it STUNK! I don't know what happened, but I completely crashed and burned and met none of the goals that I was working on. I got home so mad at myself and so frustrated. Even though my speed was better, that didn't matter to me. I was just so irked that I didn't make my goals.
   I decided to have a long conversation with myself as to why I am running. Why am I torturing myself? And I discovered the answer is pretty complicated, but to me it's so simple.
   The first question I asked myself is..Do I like to run? And the answer is a resounding, absolute heck NO!!! I hate it. I hate everything about it, so why on heavens name am I doing it!
   As I thought more on this, I realized some important reasons as to why I made the impulsive decision in the first place.
   Neil has been running for about 4 months now and I have seen how it has helped him mentally, physically, and spiritually. I wanted that also.
   I am 39 years old and completely out of shape. I wanted to do something that would help get me in shape. And running will do that. Now do I want to look like the Victoria Secrets models? I won't lie...Yes. But, I know that is not a realistic goal without some serious surgery on my part and that ain't happening. However, I can run and be in shape. Which will in turn help me to be healthy and happy.
One of my favorite movies is "Legally Blond" and I love the line in which Elle says "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy..." And that's true, I want to be happy and I know that running will help me do that. So, those are good reasons, but were they good enough?
   I also realized that I'm doing this for my family. I want to be around for a while, and I'd like to be healthy while I'm here. If running will help me be around a bit longer, then I have achieved that goal.
   I want to show my kids what happens when you make a difficult goal and stick with it. For me this is not an easy goal. As stated before I like nothing about running and it takes everything I have to just get dressed and out the door. I want my kids to see that Mom set this goal for herself and that she didn't give up. The she had the strengthen of character to see it through and to be a better person for it. That means a lot to me. And if I can show, and teach, my kids something while I'm running then it's worth it.
   After all this, I decided that maybe it is worth it after all. A part of me still had doubts about it, but I figured that comes with the territory and so I just left it alone for a while. And that's when it hit me why I really wanted to do this. I want to prove to myself that I can do this, that I'm not a quitter. I want to satisfaction of being able to say that I finished a run no matter how much it hurt, how much I hate it, and all the other stuff that I feel while doing it. Those reasons are exactly why I am doing this. All the other ones a great, but to me this is the most important.
   Will I ever run a 1/2 marathon or marathon? I highly doubt it, but I never know. What I do know is that even though I felt like quitting yesterday and never running for as long as I live, I will not do that. Because doing that makes me a quitter and I will not quit! I will continue to torture myself until I reach and surpass my goals!
 

How a trip strengthened my faith

My family had to opportunity to travel to Galveston TX and take a cruise to Mexico. We decided to drive instead of fly and I'm so glad we did. I learned so many things on that trip. It helped to strengthen my faith and provided many answers to things that I have been struggling to understand.

The first thing I realized is how much I do love my family (as corny as that sounds). After spending 5 days of non-stop driving with them you either really love them or your a glutton for punishment.

I was also amazed at how diverse our nation is and I understood even better why it is stated in the Book of Mormon that this land is choice about all other lands. I love living in Utah and I wouldn't change it for a moment. But seeing the raw beauty of the New Mexico desert and how flat and expansive it can be in Texas, I was in awe at how it flowed seamlessly from one to another. I became more aware of what a true artist Heavenly Father is and how he created this planet with such love. Especially America, there is no other place on earth that has what this great nation does. These words do not do justice to what I saw or felt on this trip.

The thing that struck the most was Texas and the lesson that I learned there. I discovered that Texas loves churches ( and I'm not making fun of that in anyway). Being from Utah I'm used to seeing LDS churches on practically every corner. Then there is the occasional Catholic, Baptist, and various other ones scattered here and there. Texas I found out has more different religions represented that I could possibly imagine. Every town we went through, be it a big city like Houston or a small country town like Dublin, had at least two churches...a Baptist and a Church of Christ. Which I think it pretty cool. Then there is Lubbock which is home to the mega churches, and these things will put the LDS conference center to shame! I've never seen such big churches! Then there is the occasional Pentecostal, Lutheran, and Catholic church. There was even a Cowboy Church that had signs up advertising to come as you are, even your cowboy work clothes.

All this got me to thinking about Joseph Smith and how confused he was on which church to join. I never quite understood why that was so hard for him, but seeing those different ones represented I understand a bit better what is must have been like for him. I can just imagine being in on of those little towns with a population of about 500 people and having a hand full of churches saying come join me...no come join me...and so on and so fourth. It would be so difficult for a boy of 14 to make that decision. It took great faith on his part to open up his scriptures, read James 1:5 and then take that scripture at face value, go into the woods and  pray about which church to join. Then to see what he saw a stick with it. He could easily have just said that he made it up, and lived with the consequences. But, he didn't, he stuck with it and in the process he changed the world.
I'm so grateful that my ancestors made the decision to convert to this wonderful gospel. That they followed true prophets of God and made their way to Utah. Without their faith, I wouldn't be who I am today. But, none of that would've happened if a young boy hadn't been so confused and decided to say a prayer.

He Lives - Celebrate Easter Because Jesus Christ Lives

The day in life of....

I was thinking today about everything that I do during the day, added to what the world, church, and everyone expects me to do. I decided to write my feelings about it all.

If you do read this please remember that this is an account of my day and my thoughts on it. I know that there are those whose days are much more hectic and have more to worry about then I.

My typical Monday-Friday routine starts at 6am. I get up, make sure that my kids are up getting ready for school. I also get Neil's lunch ready for him, make sure that he's not forgetting anything, and then get him out the door by 6:30. During that (even though my kids are 18, 16, and 12) there will be some sort of argument about something stupid that ends up getting one or all of them in trouble. Finally they are out the door by 6:45. And I feel like I've just run a marathon.

Then it's my turn. I eat breakfast, exercise, start a load of laundry, unload and load the dishwasher. Get myself ready for work and make sure that I'm not forgetting anything and I'm out the door by 8:20. 

While at work, even though my job description says teacher aide, I swear I'm raising 30 some odd children for the three hours I'm there. Trying to help them understand math, teaching them how to read or how to comprehend what they are reading. All while staying within STUPID common core standards! Then comes the drama, most of the kids I work with come from the following backgrounds:

                      1) They are here illegally or members of their family are. Which stresses these kids out about being deported or their family being sent back. 

                     2) Mom, dad, or both are either in jail or homeless. The child then lives with a family member or is in the system.

                      3) They have two mom's or two dad's which makes life interesting for them.

                      4) Because of their circumstances, some of them have moderate to severe mental issues which the school (including myself and the teacher) tries to help them with. 

With all of this we are still expected to have these kids on grade level! Come on, they don't have a stable home life and their expected to be on grade level...Ya right!

So, during those 3 hours I'm dealing with all this drama and the problems that come from it. My heart just breaks for these kiddos.

Finally I get to leave work, but on a normal day I have about an hours worth of errand running. We're out of milk, the kids need something for school, Neil needs something. The list never ends!

If I'm lucky I'll get home around 1pm. Then I need to take out the dogs because they are doing the potty dance (poor things), and get them food and water. Go check get the laundry and get it folded so the kids can put their stuff away. Finally I get to eat lunch. Then get whatever writing assignments I have I need to finish and get them submitted. Go over the calender to see what is going on when everyone gets home. Clean the house, what gets clean depends on what day of the week it is. Then the kids come home...oh heck!!!

That brings on a whole mess of "Mom, I need your help with math." "Mom, come read this for me before I e-mail it to my teacher." Then Neil comes home about 30 mins later and he adds to it! It's "Mel, do this for me." "Hey Mel did you take care of this." I swear men are worse then kids somedays! Then I got to make dinner, thank heavens I've got my menu for the week planned or I'd be lost. Eat about an hour later, get the kids to do their chores. Finally I get to sit down a breath, right?

Nope, there are texts or e-mails that need answering about YW, or scheduling a class for Neil's ccp business. Just misc. stuff like that. About 7pm all that gets done and I get to watch a few of my favorite shows. But, usually I'm still taking care of other items and I just listen to my shows. I get the kids to bed by 8pm because by then I'm ready to kill them all (and they need to read their scriptures, study for tests, stuff like that). By 10pm I'm ready to go to bed myself.

So, that is my day in a nutshell. Which I don't mind so much, I like to be busy and needed. But, here is where the problem for me lies:

    1) I've got magazines and the media saying that if I don't look like Angelina Jolie, Gisselle Bundchen, or Kate Upton that I am fat and ugly. If I'm over a size a 10, I'm told I'm a plus size. Heavens, I haven't been a size 10 since I was 10! I'd be happy if I could get into a 16!

    2) Then there are the magazines like Cosmo and others saying that if I'm not doing X, Y, or Z to my husband in the bedroom department that he will be unsatisfied and disappointed. 

    3) Stuff like Better Homes and Gardens has pictures of these gorgeous houses and gardens that make me feel like I'm failing because my house, and various gardens look nothing like that. 

    4) Pinterest adds a whole new dimension to the ball games because at a glance there are a makeup tips, wardrobe ideas, DIY ideas, etc., etc., etc., that make me feel like I'm not crafty enough, organized enough, etc., etc., etc..

I want to shout, "Hey media, magazines, etc. I'm not any of these things! I'm not a famous movie star that has a ton of money to get nannies, so I have the time to go work out with the famous personal trainer that I'm paying for. I also am not paying someone to cook my organic, whole grain, non-dairy, vegan meals for me. So, stop telling me how I should look, what my home should look like, and how crafty I should be!"

Then to top it all of there is the church. Don't get me wrong, I love being a member of the LDS church! But, all I hear is family time, study your scriptures, take time for service, all that stuff. Then if your lucky like me you have an awesome calling, but that takes 2 hours out of every Wednesday, plus a meeting almost every Sunday that last about an hour each. 

I think my point is is that we as women forget our value. In a world which pulls us 20 zillion different directions. We just need to focus on what is important. First comes God, then family, then all the other stuff. If we just remember that then everything else will fall into place. 

Power of the Priesthood

Today was ward conference, and I will be honest I usually dread it. I remember growing up and just being bored to death. The speakers were dull and I just wanted to take a nap.
But, this year it was such a different experience. The Bishop and Stake President spoke about the importance of family history and temple work. I loved the message and as I looked around I found that everyone was paying attention.
What struck me the most though was who was on the stand. There sitting was the Stake Presidency, the high council, and the bishopric. Around all these faithful men was such a power and a light. They exuded such calm, strength, and devotion to Heavenly Father. Just sitting they magnified the power of the Priesthood and why the Lord gave that responsibility to men. Its so hard to explain how much they strengthened my testimony by just sitting up there.
Seeing humble, imperfect men acting with the Lords authority doing their best to lead their respective stake and wards is such a testimony to me of the truthfulness of the gospel.
I'm so grateful that I have a husband and two sons that truly magnify their priesthood and that by doing so righteously it bring the spirit into our home.

Titles

I've been thinking about the many titles that I go by and the meaning that they have in my life.
There's Mrs. Christiansen, Sis. Christiansen, Melanie, and of course Mom (plus others that I'm not addressing at this time).

Mrs. Christiansen means so much to me. It means that I was able to marry the love of my life for all eternity!!! Even after 20 years that still amazes me, that I found someone to spend eternity with. I always tell people that when I met Neil it was like a scene out of "Saturdays Warriors" (anyone whose LDS or who saw it will understand that). I am so blessed to be Mrs. Christiansen, to have a man whose such a hard worker, loving father, and awesome husband (and still good looking :-D).

Sis. Christiansen means that I believe in something bigger, more then myself. It means that I belong to a church that teaches of Jesus Christ and I know He is our Savior, that I know there is a living prophet on the earth today, and that I am able to testify of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon and the Bible. I am so blessed to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints!!! I love the gospel!!!

Melanie...What can I say, but I like my name. My mom always told me she named me after Melanie Hamilton from "Gone With the Wind" in hopes that I'd be like her. You know, soft spoken, polite, selfless, etc. I think I'm more like Scarlett O'Hara, but I do love the sentiment behind my name.

Mom...I love all my titles, but I have to admit that this might be my favorite. Knowing that my body carried and gave birth to 3 healthy children and then fed them for the first year of their life. Now they're older, but still depend on me. I enjoy being a Mom more then words can say. Yes, there a days, but I think we all have those. But, I wouldn't trade this title for all the wealth in the world!!!

RIP Robin Williams

Beloved actor, Robin William, passed away Aug 11th 2014. Normally when actors/actresses pass away, I am like oh that's to bad and go on with my day. This one hit me a little harder then usual and that is due to a character that he played,  Genie in "Aladdin". As may of you know my sweet brother, Mikey, was handicapped. He passed away two years ago and "Aladdin" was his favorite movie and his favorite character was Genie. All my mom or I would have to do is ask Mikey if he wanted to watch "Never had friend" and his face would light up. He would sit for hours and watch it over and over again. Every time Genie would start singing "Never had a friend like me" Mikey would start to laugh. I would have loved to meet Mr. Williams and tell him how much that character meant to us. Now, that is not possible...So, thank you Mr. Williams for giving my brother so much joy when his life was full of so much pain and suffering. I only wish that you could have found the same joy in your own life. You will truly be missed.